A Parent's Guide to Understanding and Managing Hitting in Children
- Rose Reyling
- May 10, 2024
- 5 min read
Updated: May 10, 2024
Introduction: Navigating Challenging Behaviors
Hitting is a common yet challenging behavior encountered by many parents, especially those of young children with communication difficulties. It can be distressing and confusing, particularly when the child is overwhelmed and/or very young and unable to use traditional communication methods like speech. This guide aims to provide parents with practical strategies to address hitting constructively and positively, helping your child learn better ways to express their emotions and interact with others.
Understanding Why Children Hit
Children may hit as a form of communication, especially when they feel frustrated, angry, or unable to articulate their needs. This behavior often occurs when children are emotionally overwhelmed, a state sometimes referred to as a "flipping their lid," during which the rational part of the brain (where thinking, problem solving, and self-control happen) is not accessible. In such states, asking the child to use words or lecturing the child is ineffective because they cannot process complex instructions or communicate verbally.
Practical Steps & Strategies to Address Hitting
Understand the Why: First, try to understand the why your child is hitting. Are they frustrated, seeking attention, or not sure how to express their feelings? Young children often hit out of frustration or inability to communicate effectively.
Recognize Emotional Overload & Stay Calm: It's important to recognize when your child is overwhelmed. In these moments, minimize excessive talking and use simple and clear language to help them feel secure.
Set Clear Expectations/Boundaries: Clearly explain that hitting is unacceptable using simple language. Some examples are listed below:
"Hitting hurts. We don't hit.
"Hands are for high-fives and hugs."
"We don't hit. Gentle hands."
"It's okay to be mad. We can give hugs."
Safe & Kind Physical Intervention: If your child is hitting, intervene gently but firmly by holding their hands and reaffirming the boundary/expectation (reference the statements above).
Acknowledge their Feelings: BIG emotions like anger, sadness, frustration, and disappointment can be overwhelming for young children. Help them by naming these emotions, which validates their feelings and helps them learn to identify them theirselves. Some examples of how you can acknowledge these are listed below:
"Hitting is not okay. I see you're mad."
"You're mad we need to leave the playground, and that's okay. Time to go."
"It looks like you're really upset."
"I see you're sad because you want ___."
"It's frustrating when your tower falls down, isn't it."
Teach Alternative Behaviors: When emotions run high, model alternative physical expression to teach children what they can do, such as high-fives, hugs, or hitting a pillow.
Create a Calming Space: Designate a calming space in your home where your child can go to settle down. Equip the space with comforting sensory items like pillows, favorite blankets, books, favorite quiet toys, etc. Teach your child to use this space when they feel overwhelmed.
As a family decided what you will call this space (e.g., "safe space," "calm spot," "calming corner," "calm area").
You may have to start teaching your child by holding their hand and leading them to their calming space and sit with them there.
Encourage your child to use this space voluntarily to calm down or whenever they are feeling overstimulated. Reinforcing its use with positive feedback like, "Great work going to your calm spot!"
Time-In Instead of Time-Out: Instead of isolating your child, join them in their calming space and modeling calm behavior like deep breathing, counting, softly humming, etc.
Long-Term Strategies to Address Hitting and Other Behaviors
Behavioral change does not happen overnight. Consistency and giving it some time are key. Consistently enforce your family's rules and follow through with consequences. Being consistent helps your child understand expectations/boundaries and learn self-control.
Teach Emotions: In calm moments, help your child recognize and label different emotions. You can do this by continuing to label their emotions and labeling your own. You can also talk about emotions when you're playing or reading together by labeling how different characters are feeling.
Understand Triggers: Identify and modify specific situations (e.g., hungry after school, tired at 6:00 PM), sensory inputs, or demands that may trigger big emotional responses in your child.
Use Educational Tools: Incorporate books and social stories that illustrate scenarios where characters face similar frustrations but choose positive behaviors. These stories can be particularly effective for children, providing relatable situations and clear visuals to help them understand and mimic appropriate responses.
Acknowledge Good Behavior: Acknowledge or praise your child when you notice they independently engaged in appropriate behavior like using their words to express how they feel, giving a hug instead of hitting, going to their calm down spot, finding other peaceful ways to solve problems. This reinforcement helps them learn the benefits of positive actions. Some examples of what you could say are listed below:
"I saw you go to your calm down spot!"
"Thank you for the hug."
"I love how you gave me a high-five!"
Example Scenario: Dealing With Hitting When Frustrated
Alex, who has a language delay, becomes frustrated when they cannot play with the iPad because it's bath time and then starts hitting their parent.
Step-by-Step Parent Response:
Step 1: Immediate Gentle Physical Intervention
Action: Safely hold Alex's hands to gently stop the hitting.
Verbal: In simple, straightforward language, say, "No hitting. We use gentle hands."
Step 2: Verbalize and Acknowledge Emotions and Desire
Action: Observe and acknowledge signs of Alex's distress as they escalate and show understanding of their want.
Verbal: Use very simple and straightforward language, say, "You're mad because the iPad is fun., AND it's bath time."
Step 3: Model and Teach Alternatives
Action: Show Alex what they can do instead of hitting. Demonstrate a hug, high-five, or hitting a pillow, etc.
Verbal: "We don't hit, but we CAN hug." or "No hitting people. We can hit a pillow (hand Alex a pillow and model hitting it or hand-over-hand guide him to hit the pillow)"
Step 4: Offer Physical Comfort
Action: Offer a comforting touch, like a gently back rub, or hug to help soothe Alex.
If Alex hits their parent again, they will go back to Step 1, and then transition to Step 5.
Step 5: Lead to Calming Space (if needed)
Action: Take Alex's hand and guide them to the predetermined calming area.
Verbal: Guide Alex while saying, "Let's go calm down."
Step 5: Sit Together in Calming Area
Action: Sit with Alex in calming area, modeling behaviors that can help us regulate like deep breathing, counting, softly humming, etc.
Verbal: "Let's breathe together. In and out."
Step 6: Transition to Bath
Action: Once Alex seems calm/regulated, transition to the bath with positive reinforcement of the routine.
Verbal: "Time for bath. Let's make it fun with your favorite toy!"
Step 7: Praise and Encourage
Action: Recognize and praise Alex's efforts to manage emotions and follow the routine.
Verbal: "I saw you breathe with me and calm down. Great work coming to the bath. I'm proud of you!"
Conclusion: Nurturing Growth and Understanding
Tackling hitting behavior in children, especially those with communication challenges, requires patience, consistency, and understanding. By providing physical security, emotional support, and clear, simple communication, you can help your child navigate their emotions and interactions more effectively. Remember, each child is unique, and strategies might need to be tailored to fit their specific needs.
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